“How do I get him to get off his @r$$? (Without feeling like a nag or pushing him away!)”
This was a question asked by one of the ladies at my recent ‘Soul Satisfaction For Women’ Live Workshop in Ireland.
In fact, this is a question I’m often asked by women, and these fabulous, good humored Irish ladies were no exception! Hence the colorful language and the adding of ‘r’ to @$$!
Now this is not just about ‘getting’ him off his backside to do something for YOU. This is about how YOU can communicate how you feel to your man in a way that ‘inspires’ him rather than pushes him away, or disempowers him.
It’s about how you can offer YOUR fullness in a way that HE WANTS to give you and the world his depth, his presence and his integrity filled action. All without you going down that slippery slope of nagging (no nagging), whining, bitching and resenting him.
If you’re like most women today, including me, you’ve been raised to be a self-sufficient, capable woman. So if you can see something needs doing and he’s not getting of his behind to do it, then you’d probably just do it yourself and no nagging.
Now that’s fine…unless of course you do it yourself, but with an underlying sense of resentment!
Ever felt that?
Not good for you, your body, your heart, your soul and definitely NOT good for the relationship.
One of my coaching clients had experienced this frustration almost daily for most of her marriage and she couldn’t believe that the advice I gave her could actually produce such INSTANT RESULTS!
…until she tried it for herself!
This is what happened!
She’d been married for 20 years or so. Every night in winter she and her husband would sit by the log fire after dinner, watching TV or talking. The wood would burn down. The fire would get lower and lower. The room would get colder and colder.
She’d say. “Can you please get some more wood for the fire dear?” His response “Yes, in a minute.”
Time would tick by. Still no wood. She’d ask again, but the more she asked, the more resistant he became. So what did she do?
Well, as a capable and self sufficient woman, she went out and got the wood herself of course!
But with that wood, she carried immense frustration and definite resentment at having to do it herself…again! Especially when he had said he’d do it.
Well, despite being a little skeptical, she took my advice and tried it, and she was absolutely “stunned” with what happened next…..
Here’s the email I got the next day!
Just had to pass this information on to you in view of our conversation yesterday afternoon, regarding changing the use of language and not giving instructions.
Last night I could see that the fire was in need of more wood. Normally I use instruction to ask M.M (Mere Male), if he will get some wood.
Then he leaves it for so long that I usually get up and go out to get the wood so that the fire does not get too low.
However, last night, I thought I would try your advice and word it using ‘feelings language’ rather than instruction.
I said, “Honey I am feeling a bit chilly,” thinking that there would be no way that he would respond.
Well to my utter amazement he said, “I’ll go out and get another log.” At which he jumped straight up and did such.
Wow, Thank you – I’m still a little stunned – and will definitely keep up this practise!!!”
When I spoke with her the following week she was still marvelling at how it totally changed the dynamic between her and her husband when she expressed how she felt rather than telling him what to do. She said “Wow, I wish I’d known this years ago!”
So what advice did I give her that worked so well?
Well I explained to her that in an intimate relationship between a man and woman….
- The masculine loves to provide & protect, guide & direct!
- He also LOVES to win!
- When he provides & protects and guides & directs you, AND it makes you HAPPY, he gets to win.
- If you TELL him to get more wood you’re being the directive one and you’re in your masculine.
- When you’re in your masculine you’re energetically and literally pushing him away.
- So he feels repelled and resistant by your direction. (Ever been lost in a car with a man (him driving) and tried telling him where to go or what to do!?)
- When you EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL rather than telling him what to do, you’re in your feminine.
- When you’re in your feminine you’re INVITING him in. He likes that!
So I said to her “You’ve got to tell him how you feel rather than telling him what to do. So instead of telling him to put more wood on the fire, express that you’re cold. Just say something along the lines of ‘Brrr, I’m feeling a bit cold in here’ and rub your shoulders a bit so he can see your expression of being cold through your body, not just your words.” (He doesn’t know if you’re moaning in pain or ecstasy most of the time so help him out a bit and make it really obvious!)
So ladies, it’s that simple. One of the secrets to maintaining passion in your relationship is expressing how you feel rather than telling him what to do.
But there’s one more piece.
If he gets it right…make sure he knows it! Physical touch, feminine sound, movement, these are all delicious for the masculine and if they are given to him the instant he “Gets the wood for you” ..He’ll know he got it right and he’ll do it again! ..again..and again!
..And there you’ll have it …..Firewood for life!!
PS For those of you who are thinking, but that’s manipulation! Well, it is if you only do it to ‘get’ what you want. It isn’t if your intention is to inspire him into action that you know would be of benefit to him, to you and indeed the world! The wood story is just a simple and humorous illustration of what’s possible when we inspire our men into action, rather than nagging them.
PPS You, as a deeply feeling and intuitive woman know before your man does, if he is off track. You know when he’s not living on purpose, is not acting with integrity or not living the massive potential that you know he has. Your genuine feeling feedback is incredibly valuable to him and if you give it to him in a way he can receive it, it will take your relationship and your life together to a whole new level.
PS I’d love to hear your comment on this and what happens when you try it at home!
PS Click here to find out more about working with Lisa so you can transform your life, love or intimacy