Today I’m answering a question from Vanessa in the USA, who wants to know Why men pull away and what to do about it.
In response I share:
- Why MOST men pull away – So you can feel good about him taking time out, instead of feeling confused or hurt.
- How to handle it when you feel hurt if he disappears unexpectedly. (physically, or emotionally)
- What you can do to inspire him to take the time he needs, in a way that works for both of you.
Her question reads: “Lisa what do I do when my sweet macho guy pulls away suddenly and doesn’t answer my texts/calls?
He’s done this twice now, and when he finally got back to me, it was about 5 days later. (Ouch!) He was a bit more cautious, but sweet none the less. He seemed less stressed and was more open to me. It’s like he has reassessed our relationship and decided it’s right.”
Then Vanessa goes on to give me some background to her relationship, and ends with,
“I know he’s got a lot going on, but it bothers me! How can I approach him so next time he can just tell me, ‘Hey I need space because…’, him doing this disappearing act really hurts me!”
Now obviously I don’t know exactly what’s going on for Vanessa’s man because I’m NOT a mind reader. But I do know men!
Let’s dive in first to WHY men need healthy time out, and how to handle it if he disappears without warning.
Whether your man takes time out to go fishing, jogging, meditate on a mountain top, or even sit in front of the TV in the bliss of ‘zoned out nothing-ness’…
…It’s essential to understand that ALL men need to take time out to re-nourish themselves.
So don’t take it personally! Put simply.
Men need caveman time.
Here’s why.
The time out gives him space to: Clear his mind, relax and regenerate his body, and regain his focus.
In addition, when a man’s testosterone levels are HIGH he feels energised, strong, focused, clear and purposeful.
When they’re LOW he feels tired, flat, unfocused and unclear.
However, men use their testosterone up while they're working all day.
So your man NEEDS to take healthy time out, so he can regenerate those testosterone levels, and return to you more focused, energised, clear and ready to really BE with you.
It’s an essential key to his success in the world and with you.
Also, for the ‘deeper man’, that time out allows him to get in touch with his deeper truth, his inner compass, and his clarity about what he wants to do in his life and in his relationship with you.
Conscious caveman time make him a better man – For himself, you and the world!
Now what DOESN’T WORK is when he just disappears, without telling you when he’ll be back!
In fact, it can be downright scary, confusing and hurtful.
And I don’t just mean disappearing physically either.
We’ve all felt the pain of when our man withdraws from us emotionally, and we don’t know why, nor do we know when he’ll be back!
If your man does the disappearing act here’s what you do:
STEP 1: Express how you feel…as soon as you can.
Here’s a great phrase that really works for a man’s brain:
“When you ……., I feel …..”
“When you disappear like that, I feel hurt/confused/scared (your emotion here!)”
Men respond much better to how you feel than being told what to do.
It’s important to express how you feel straight away because the longer you leave it unexpressed, the more likely it is that your unexpressed hurt will morph into anger, frustration, or resentment.
And that’s a relationship killer right there!
Once you’ve told him how you feel.
Step 2 is: Tell him what you’d need next time.
Here’s another great phrase that works really well with men:
“To feel good about …….I’d need you to …………..”
e.g. “In order to feel good about you taking this man cave timeout, I’d need you to let me know that you’re taking time out, and when you’ll be back”.
A good man will appreciate your feedback and integrate it into his own truth and actions in his own time.
So remember:
- Men need man cave time. It’s natural and healthy.
- But if he disappears without warning, and you feel hurt…tell him how you feel.
- And to set your relationship up for long-term success tell him what you’d need to feel great about his time out next time.
So what about you?
Have you ever been in a situation like Vanessa? What did you do about it?
I’d love to hear your comments, so share your wisdom today in the comment box below.
If you like this post and it’s been helpful to you, be sure to subscribe and share it with your women friends today.
Love,
Lisa
PS Need help but not sure where to start? Click here and send me a personal message.
