Ep 37: How to Stay Connected (with yourself or your lover) in Moments of Conflict

Let’s talk about connection.

You can be connected physically with someone, by touching physically in some way. You can be connected mentally. You can be connected emotionally, energetically, spiritually or all at the same time.

Connection is a conduit between you and others. It’s like the copper wire that conducts what you’re giving and receiving with another. So that conduit - the connection - allows for the exchange to take place, whether it’s an exchange of love, sexual energy, an emotion, or a desire, or anything else that you are giving and receiving with another.

If I’m speaking to you but I’m not connected to you, then who am I really speaking to?  I’ve got to feel you, even across the ether during this radio show, sitting in your lounge room, or driving your car, or wherever you are, so I can speak to you, rather than just speaking to thin air, to nothingness, or to myself.

But what about you with your intimate partner?  If you’re having sex and you’re physically with each other – so you’re not having phone sex, you’re having physical sex – then you could just be exchanging physical pleasure, physical touch.  So the connection, the physical touch allows you to exchange whatever you want to exchange physically.

But then you can up the ante and you can have emotional connection.  That conduit to exchange not just physical sex but emotional sex, a heart exchange of how  you feel, the love you feel or of the desire or the lust you feel, the openness or the emotional closure –  whatever it is. The connection allows for that exchange.

When you’re connected energetically. Then you start to feel the energetics of each other in your lovemaking  and all you need to do is move your hand a certain way across your lover’s ethereal body and all of a sudden they break into orgasm. You can affect each other by giving and receiving through the connection of your energetic bodies.

So I’m fleshing this out because I really want you to know that when we’re talking about connection here, there are many layers of connection.

For example, another one is mental connection. If you’re mentally connected with each other, then you’re open to the ideas of the other. If you’re closed, if you narrow the connection, then you’re closed off to that mental exchange.

So the reason we’re talking about sustaining connection in conflict is because I would say that working with couples, and I know in my own relationship, sometimes it’s really frikkin’ hard to stay connected when there is conflict, because it triggers your stuff. It triggers your fear, your anger, your resentment – conflict in itself automatically denotes a separation of two. Even if you’re conflicted with yourself, there are two different parts of yourself that are in conflict with each other so there’s a separation.

Conflict in itself is not the problem in relationship. The problem is when you disconnect, when you shut yourself off from how your partner feels, or what they think. They’re trying to tell you how they feel but you just don’t want to hear it, so you shut down, you close off because it’s too painful, and it’s too scary.

So that shutting off blocks connection, and you miss the opportunity to actually be with each other and be with the truth of how your partner really feels in this moment. Whereas, when you can sustain connection, the conflict gives you an opportunity to know each other a little better in that moment, to reveal yourselves as you are in the moment to each other, to be authentic.

I mean, who wants to pretend to feel a certain way just so the other feels better?

We don’t really want that.  But do we do it?  Of course.

How often do you hold back how you really feel because you know that if you say that, your partner is going to withdraw?

There’s the disconnect. Or if your partner says something, maybe you lash out or fight back.

So this is why learning how to stay connected amidst conflict is so vital, because the arising of conflict, the arising of that feeling, and the separation that comes with not knowing how to be with it, is an opportunity for you to actually reveal what’s really going on, what’s authentically true for yourself and for each other. And you get to reveal what’s really true which is incredibly liberating for you both.

Something that Mo says, which I love with the couples we work with, is, “Everything that’s unrevealed is in the way”

So I want you to feel right now into your own intimate relationship, either the one you’re in, or a past relationship, and feel into your capacity to stay connected when it would matter the most, when it would make the most difference.

What do you do when you are in conflict?

Do you lash out?

Do you shrink back?

Do you hold back?

Do you freeze up?

You know,  when we go into fight or flight there are a couple of things we do. We might fight or run away. Or we might freeze and go mute and play dead and we numb ourselves from how we feel, then we disconnect from our own self.  Do  you do that?

Or do you lash out?

Do you cry out for that connection in another way?

With accusation? With blame? With shame?

So learning  how to stay connected or to reconnect is essential because then, in those moments where you can sustain a really deep connection amidst conflict with your lover,  what happens is you open through the conflict. And again, that deepening, that revealing really, really comes in.

And I have to be honest and say it’s not always easy. Truly. And the reason it’s not easy is because quite often we realize something has to die. I always find that with couples when they learn to come to their edge and stay open and stay connected, they start to get used to something dying because they realize that this dying then creates the space for something to be birthed.

And the truth is that something’s always dying. Every time you breathe out, you expire, right, you die. Every time you breath in you rebirth. So things are going to die in your relationship, regardless.

Everything’s cyclical.

How you feel – you feel this and then it dies away.

You believe this and then it dies away.

You agree on this and then you don’t anymore, that dies away.

It takes real courage to be authentic in your relationship because you start to have to trust in that fact that something’s going to die, and you don’t know what’s on the other side.

Maybe the relationship dies. Maybe it’s just a dying away of something that actually reveals an even more exquisite layer of your relating and loving and sexing together.

So this is how your relationship can turn into something that is no longer stagnant, but instead is ever-evolving, ever-deepening.

Think about it for a moment - that physical connection. What does it require of you?  You’ve got an intimate partner in front of you – I mean, whether you’ve got an intimate partner or not, it doesn’t matter.  But just imagine your intimate partner is in front of you right now.

Think about it for a moment - that physical connection. What does it require of you? You’ve got an intimate partner in front of you – I mean, whether you’ve got an intimate partner or not, it doesn’t matter. But just imagine your intimate partner is in front of you right now.

What does it require of you to be in physical connection?  It requires you to reach out, right?  It requires you to reach out and touch the other person.

It also requires your willingness to be touched, because in the moment you touch, physically you’re also being touched. It’s the same with emotional connection.

What does it require?  It requires you to reach out from your own feeling body, your own feeling heart, into the feeling body and heart of your intimate partner in front of you.

Sometimes we get so stuck in the drama in our head that we’re completely oblivious to how the partner in front of us actually feels.  But what if you could feel through your own heart and reach out and touch the heart of your partner, and then at the same time allow yourself to be touched?

And that means feeling your partner, and allowing yourself to be felt, seeing your partner as they are now, and allow yourself to be seen. This is what cultivates connection. This is what is required in order to create or sustain connection.

But what tends to get in the way...  I mean, there are many things that block connection... but one is your unwillingness.

Your unwillingness to be felt,  because you’re ashamed of how you feel for example.

Or your unwillingness to look at your partner as another human being with the compassion that it takes to feel how they feel, to get that they feel that and not take it personally but just to get that they feel it, not even understand why they feel it but just get that they feel it.

It takes your willingness. Your willingness to be felt, willingness to feel, willingness to see as they are in this moment and this moment and this moment.

We can get so hooked into our expectation of the other to be a certain way that we are completely unwilling to connect with them as they are because that’s not how they’re meant to be! (according to our expectations that is)

That’s not how they’re meant to feel -  because we’ve totally hooked into this expectation - but  when you can let go of the expectation,  let go of the judgement and just be willing to get that they feel that way, to feel it,  when you can look across at your lover, gaze eyes, and you feel them feel angry for example, and instead of trying understand why they feel angry or trapped or scared or however they feel… But instead just get that they feel it without needing to know why,  something magical happens.

And in that moment what you’re doing is you’re keeping that bridge, that connection alive.

And remembering that relationship is a beautiful practice place for you to also be looking at another human being and say, “I get that you feel…e.g. abandoned right now,” or whatever it is they say they feel. This is also something to practice with yourself. To look yourself in the mirror and say, “I get that you feel abandoned right now. I get that you feel angry. I get it.”

You don’t have to understand why. Forget why – really, let it go.  Just get it.

That’s what keeps that connection alive through your willingness.

The other thing is tension. So unless you’re driving right now.  Just for a moment really tense your inner arm and then touch it. And then let it go.    And now really relax your inner arm. And now touch it again.

Notice how when your arm is relaxed and soft, you can feel way more.

As soon as you tense it, there’s less feeling, right?

So tension blocks feeling.

Tension is like a barrier. It’s an armoury. And that again gets in the way of connection.

Mental tension, for example judgement, “..You should be this way…” prevents you from opening your mind to what your partner is saying.

Emotional tension, for example, when you tense your heart, you close your heart, what happens is that because of that closure there’s a barrier there. You can’t, even if you wanted to, even if you were willing to…. try and feel how your partner’s feeling, you can’t because that closure, that tension, prevents you.

So it’s a really, really important practice to soften and relax and open your body. Breath is the key to that. Soften, and relax and open your body and mind with a full and relaxed breathe.

Note also that this tension might come from unresolved stuff – what your partner said yesterday or even just five minutes ago which you haven’t resolved, and therefore it’s in the way right now.

You’ve got to clear your own stuff that’s in the way as well. The stuff that’s blocking connection with how you feel, what’s true for you, what you want, what you don’t want. That openness, connection to yourself and your own truth. And then you’ve got to clear what’s in the way between you and your partner.

So you take responsibility for your stuff that’s in the way, then you practice clearing, resolving what’s in the  way so that when you come together the conversation from yesterday isn’t the elephant in the room that   stands between the two of you blocking that connection.

So this closure is really, really important to address, and you’ll start to notice when you feel closed. And then, as soon as you’re aware of it, what do you need to do to bring openness, open to how you feel, how your   partner feels, what you think, what your partner thinks?

And the same is in sex and intimacy. I mean, think about it. If you’re making love and your body’s all tense, you’re numbing yourself. There’s no connection to how you feel so your partner touches you and you can’t feel it. There’s no conduit for that pleasure to be given and received. If your heart is closed there’s no conduit, there’s no connection to that love exchange or the feeling exchange.

So there are three simple things that I want to share with you that you can use to get the connection back straight away.

The answer is….Then slow down. Slow down. Going faster makes it’s harder to feel, harder to sustain connection. So the first one is slow down.

And it’s the same in conflict. So we’re talking about conflict here. Let me just backtrack. If things are getting really heated and getting faster and more and more conflict – slow down. Breathe. Connect. Connect with how you feel. Connect with your partner. Slow down.

I always notice with couples when we’re coaching them, when conflict arises within a session they get faster. You can feel it becomes machine-gun-like. Slow it down. Breathe into your body. Heart connect – allow the connection.

The second thing is…

Wake up!

And by wake up I mean wake up to this present moment.

Have you ever daydreamed?  We all have. Have you ever been making love with your partner and all of a sudden, you realize that you’re daydreaming about what happened yesterday? You’re daydreaming of what will happen tomorrow? You’re not there, in the present moment, right?

So wake up to what’s here in the present moment.

So slow down and wake up. Wake up from the daydream or the nightmare. 

What tends to happen is, when you’re not in the moment, you are really referencing from what happened in    the past, or what might happen in the future.

It’s like being in a dream. You’ve got to wake up. Wake up to this present moment. It’s really easy to get stuck   in the future and the past, especially if you are not regularly clearing yourself and clearing between you.

So truly – slow down and wake up to what’s here now.

You’re not the same person that you were yesterday…two years ago…ten years ago and neither is your partner.

Never assume to know yourself or your partner.

Never assume.

Always be here now.

Be curious.

Wake up from the fantasy of who you want your partner to be. Wake up from the nightmare of who you think your partner should be – isn’t being – just wake up and be here now. So slow down, wake up and go first.

This is the third thing…

And this is a BIG ONE…Going first.

You know, in conflict especially, so much can get triggered. We just want to make the other person wrong, because we don’t feel okay in this. But actually, if you can go first, touch first, listen first….everything changes.

What happens when things get heated?  Your breath clamps down.  You close your eyes or you turn away – all of that is closure.  You disconnect. If you can be the one to go first, to slow down, wake up and then go first and touch your partner, make contact or contact through the eyes rather than turn away. Sustain eye contact – that’s connection. That’s sustaining connection. Heart contact.

But go first.

Seriously, if you go first, what you’re essentially doing is you’re bringing something else into the melting pot of the moment, and it changes the dynamic. It has to.

It’s like my banana cake example – I have a great recipe that my Mum gave us all when we left home, and it was the Simplicity Chocolate Cake (I still bake it with my son today), and it’s a chocolate cake recipe and if you take out the cocoa and you put in a mashed banana, it’s a banana cake. Nothing else needs changing, just that one thing.

And you can do that in that moment. You can go first.

Sometimes we don’t want to go first because we think, “Why the fuck should I go first? I’m always the one to go first!”

Or, we get indignant or we want to make the other person wrong or we want to punish them or shame them or blame them, make them wrong.

What if no-one was wrong or right?  What if that were true, if there wasn’t even such a thing as wrong or right?

So they’re the 3 simple things you can do today to get connection back when you lose it.

1. Slow down - Use your breath to slow down.

2. Wake up to this moment -  Drop the past and future, wake up to what’s here and now.

3. And go first.

There is one thing that really instantly blocks connection that I want to speak to you about, and that’s closure.

You know, quite often as women, what do we do when we cry?   We cover our face.  What if you could maintain eye contact with your partner and cry, and just let the tears fall?  That’s an expression, an authentic expression of how you feel. It’s not shaming, it’s not blaming, it’s not dumping – it’s just an authentic expression of how  you feel.

And remember, closure blocks connection.  So be willing to do what you can to stay open. Soften the front surface of your body. Breathe a little bit deeper.  Keep your eye-gazing with each other.  Notice that you have armoury up and see if you can drop it.

And if you find that there are repetitive patterns, that mean you always close in certain situations, then get some support to change things. Contact me here if you need help with that.

It is your responsibility to do the work that you need to so you can freely connect with how you feel, what you want, what you fear,  what you desire, what’s true for you – So you can authentically express yourself in the moment.

And I have to say, whether you are single or in relationship, do the work now.

If you’re single, fantastic – do the work now because then you’re way more likely to attract a partner who’s willing to play the same game.  If you keep yourself trapped in closure and unwillingness and armoury, you’ll attract a partner who wants to play that game.

If you’re in relationship  with someone right now, unless you are willing to look at what prevents you from being open, from staying connected, you’ll play the same game.

And you have to ask yourself,  what game do I want to play?

Do you want a relationship that is ever-deepening in the connection, juice, truth, freedom and  f*ck ?

And if you do, this is your work and only you can do it.

This armoury that we put up, especially as women, is because we want to protect this feminine heart, because we yearn for love. And this is where I want to speak with you about this feminine gift that you already have, that naturally inspires deeper connection, if you know how to embody it, how to express it.

The simple fact is this. You are love. You hear the words, ‘You are the love you seek,’ but really, and I know you    know it because I know that you’ve had moments of feeling the overflow of love or you wouldn’t feel it if you weren’t that.

You are that!

The feminine heart has a natural yearning for love – and I love this word ‘yearning’ because underneath your fear that you’re not enough, your fear that you won’t get the love you want, your closure, the blocking that you do, right, there is a yearning for love, because you want to know yourself as that love you are. You want to remember yourself as that love you are. You want to feel yourself as that love you are.

And I tell you when you do, there’s no more neediness! There’s no more grasping!

Whether you’re single or in a relationship – everything changes. You just know and trust that you are love, in   the most potent, powerful, true sense of the word.